I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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