so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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