see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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