I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
