My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
