Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
