I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
