you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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