sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
