Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
