Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
