They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
