Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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