I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
