so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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