You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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