Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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