WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
