Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
