My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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