My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
