Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
