Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
