Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
