My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
