All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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