Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
