i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
