i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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