hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
