The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
