Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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