I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
