he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
