Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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