I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
