i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
