dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
