I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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