If i come over, it means nothing
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
