when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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