Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
