If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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