I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
