Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
