at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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