I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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