New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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