i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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