When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
