don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
