90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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