Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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