Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
